how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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