Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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