How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
