sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
