I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
