i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
