This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
