I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
