just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
