So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
bring money and cleavage
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
