News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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