guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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