Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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