just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
