I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
