at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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