Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
