I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
