I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
