i think my mom watched the whole time
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
