just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
