i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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