i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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