If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize