I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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