I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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