While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
