Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
