Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
