If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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