sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
