how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
