glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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