Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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