Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Let's get the cat blown out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
