Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
