Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
