I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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