End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
