Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
