go do what you do best...puke behind churches
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
