fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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