been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i came on her dog
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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