Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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