No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
