Don't you send me to vm
I just pynch a tree in the face
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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