Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
