I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
