Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
