You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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