my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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