atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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